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Dear John – (A Letter I Never Sent)

I unintentionally broke trust with you while we were dating. I sincerely apologize for being too insecure to communicate my perception of what I assumed was happening with you at the time.

Regardless of my stubborn defensiveness, what I did, or how it all came to be then. I know now that you’ve always deserved upfront honesty and nonjudgmental communication; instead of me assuming the worst. I have continued respect for you and I’m glad that you’re still part of my life. Thank you for keeping your word. Recognizing your loyalty and set boundaries has helped my growth.

Now I know that the past is the past. I hope there’s a day when I could show you the changes I’ve made within myself and for the awesome people I want to show up for.

– Wesley

A Daily Affirmation: “I have the power to change my own story. Therefore, I willingly give up what no longer serves me. To only make room for things that will include me, inspired me, and love on me as I am“.

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Broken Heart Syndrome: Part I

This is a real self diagnosis that I am deciding to reveal openly to this community after completing a new passion project.

Today’s PSA

As long as I can remember, I have been dealing with this condition weighing on my chest all while trying to obtain the best remedy to heal the space left in my heart since birth. There’s often been a lot of triggers and life struggles I’ve tried to avoid in order to live a less stressful life. Between trying to rise above adversity, social norms, fvcking workplace politics, and a multitude of growing pains; my heart is broken time after time.

Thank you Cyndi Lauper!

The pain that continues to break my heart without warning is reacting to being hurt by random people and/or friend-enemies who have ghosted/used me after I willingly shared parts of my personality with them. As a naturally accepting person who wears their heart on their sleeve, the constant rejection has deeply affected my nervous and belief system. It’s been a constant up-heal battle deciding on what is still real in this reality.

For a while now I’ve been cautiously aware of the pain living in my mind, body, and soule. These karmic whiplash and flashbacks to my charka points are real. These real feelings are definitely vibrating in an unbalanced way and I am feeling incomplete. There’s no ignoring the long road I’ve been on. But I am grateful for the one constant connection to ease the painful life struggles and slowly bring me back to center.

That constant lifeline has been the incredible sound of EMO(tion) music specifically from the early two thousands’. My music collection is not solely focused on this specific era or genre of music. The EMOtional lyrics and dramatic storytelling lifted me up in silence when my own reality mentally lock me down from the fear of judgment and misunderstanding of who I was trying to reveal myself to the world as. I’ve recognized during my teenage years that I’ve been walking this world as an empathic soul which made my connection towards EMO Music (from all genres) seem destined for me to dive deep into and just breathe while discovering my painful truths of heartbreak alone.

When escapism is needed from this cruel reality while discovering an honest meaning in what I am feeling or what has poked my open wound; my heart seeks these EMO Vibez for deeper understanding and healing. These particular sounds in twenty-twenty-two not only aided me on my healing journey; it also inspired me to passionately create a constant EMOtional Playlist.

One of my newest inspiration to my life that came unexpectedly from a talented band from Central Ohio called "No Dice". 

Their 2018 Extended Play (EP): “Change” was a driving force and unexpected inspiration in bringing my past and present feelings to the forefront. Discovering their entire discography thus far via INSTAGRAM highlighted a constant struggle of drowning in sorrow while walking through the calmest storm yet.

Let’s just say I should keep my sh!t together publicly. Healing was still in progress while traumatic and hurtful events unfolded in spaces I never felt heard or seen in. But I digress, Change (EP) was packed with vivid sounds and lyrics that triggered my heart’s nostalgia and it empowered me to create my own Extended Playlist filled with songs that gravitated towards me in pivotal moments during my adolescence.

This is that extended playlist: My Emo Heart Vol. 1

Broken Heart Syndrome: Part II coming in the form of a podcast episode SOON!

A Daily Affirmation: “I have the power to change my own story. Therefore, I willingly give up what no longer serves me. To only make room for things that will include me, inspired me, and love on me as I am“.

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– Wesley

Dear Reader – My Intuition Was On To Something

For the past couple of months, I’ve had time to reflect on where I am physically and mentally. While reflecting on the walls I build around my sacred spaces that I protect to protect me I realize how I allowed myself to create false narratives that caused me to overthink and believe that was true while trying to let you in.

That negative mindset put me in a self-loathing state which slowly became a toxic characteristic I never recognized before. And for that, I apologize for how I could’ve made you feel doubtful about dating and being together while connecting. I do recognize that I can be my own worst enemy at times (typical Leo behavior) but I do have a sense of control over how I can react to uncomfortable situations that find me.

So I hope I’ve been clear enough in stating that you weren’t the problem – I unintentionally created a problem. Also, outside situations that were out of my control should not have been my focus. It felt good to come to this difficult realization and I do have you to thank. Thank you for learning to put yourself first. That’s not something I felt like I could do when life got too chaotic to manage in the moment. Now I can intuitively visualize how life can be different for all the types of relationships I want to build. But it seems like this stage in my life will go on without you – because you are not ready…

P.S. I forgive you John  
I do not hate you for choosing you. 
 Come back when you are ready.
Sincerely!

– Wesley

A Daily Affirmation: “I have the power to change my own story. Therefore, I willingly give up what no longer serves me. To only make room for things that will include me, inspired me, and love on me as I am“.

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January 1st, 2020

Dear Siri,

It’s extremely evident that my life has had extreme ups and downs. For the last 20 years, I’ve been able to focus on becoming a more educated version of the historical stereotype of the Black American. However, as I become more financially independent and self-sufficient; my ideal dreams of finding love, family, and loyalty has crashed and burned.

That may sound a bit dramatic; but, one should understand that as a driven minority I do wear my heart on my sleeve. Whether I’m in the office or establishing a new relationship with a like-minded individual; I am always my 100% authentic self. I don’t expect anyone to take me as I am; but, I hope that my awesome personality could grow on them.

During this difficult life cycle, I am choosing to have faith in the process and stay positive. But goddamn it’s become frustrating as hell to see the majority of the people in my age group with someone who would take me seriously in a romantic or platonic way. From the outside looking in, I’m contemplating if someone wants to learn and grow with me. I am clearly failing at this life lesson and I can’t see the hints that I’m doing it all wrong. I guess as a black man, being a standard gentleman when you’re going through the beginning stages of meeting someone; doesn’t fly for a lot of these men who want to act like boys.

They are all grown men who are trying to be “young, Wild, and Free”. All while dismissing anyone who doesn’t look or act like them.

Weird!

This post is about how I felt at the beginning of this new decade. I did not edit my words or change how I was feeling then. Therefore, I left my broken thoughts as they were.

Future Self

A Daily Affirmation: “I have the power to change my own story. Therefore, I willingly give up what no longer serves me. To only make room for things that will include me, inspired me, and love on me as I am“.

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– Wesley

Know This (A Short Poem)

Know I don’t want to eat that.

Know I don’t want to cut the grass.

Know I don’t want to live here anymore.

Know I don’t want to answer your phone call.

Know I want ever move back.

Know I can not help you pay half that bill.

Know I can not say yes to your request.

Know that I am more than just your personal automated teller machine.

Know that our relationship is better than this – because I am just your Son.

Know that I am now thirty-three years old and I am finally telling you no.

Know that I know I just took my power back.

A Daily Affirmation: “I have the power to change my own story. Therefore, I willingly give up what no longer serves me. To only make room for things that will include me, inspired me, and love on me as I am“.

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– Wesley

Podcast Release Day & Birthday

Hello, my name Wesley. And this IS the Young, Wild, & Neglected Podcast

NCA 2

Let Me Introduce Myself - A Random Mess (EP01)

As promised. My very first podcast “Young, Wild, & Neglected” is finally in full effect on SpotifyTuneInStitcher Radio, and Google Play. Because of technical difficulties; there’s a long delay to be released on iTunes. More updates to come. Stay Tune!

I’m sitting on the edge of my bed just thinking about this long-awaited day. This has been a passion project for over a year now and I’m finally able to release my creativity to the world. This podcast will contain a unique perspective, stories, humor, and the honest reality of a diverse millennial trying to make it through life as we know it. The first handful of episodes are pre-recorded to get some momentum going as I try to find the right tone for this outlet. I’m proud of how far I’ve come with this passion project and I can’t wait to see what comes next.

Please enjoy this episode and don’t forget to follow, subscribe, comment, and leave feed back for future content/growth. Thank you in advance.

iTunes via RSS Feed: http://youngwildandneglected.libsyn.com/rss (paste this in your iTunes for manual subscribing)

Thank you for reading my post. Happy Podcasting!

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    – Wesley

PODCAST ANNOUNCMENT: RELEASE DATE

PROMO PIC

I am excited to announce that Young, Wild, and NeglectedPodcast is premiering: Sunday August 12, 2018. Get your EarPods and Data ready.

After the sunday premiere; “New Episodes” will be rolling out Thursdays on: iTunes x Stitcher Radio x Google Play x TuneIn App

You can also find your host on IG x Twitter under the name “SuperExtrovert” x “YoungWildAndNeglected

Hello Reader! Please support this blog/podcast by clicking the LIKE & FOLLOW button. Then LEAVE a comment. I’m interested in knowing your thoughts about this post. Much appreciated!

    – Wesley

Great Friends & New Standards (I Dedicate This To You)

Dear Longest Friend & First Kiss,

You’re such an amazing human being and loyal friend that your support last summer has changed my future. I needed to share this incredible time in my life with you and thank you for your humanity and selflessness.

In the recent months after moving to Seattle, WA; I’ve just experienced an unlikely yet recurring dating experience that caught me off guard. Not only was I shocked but hurt to a point that I was left confused on how I should interact with other guys I find intriguing moving forward. After having a few heated words via text message I called my long time friend and explained to her the situation at hand….literally.

Ring, ring, ring, ring she finally picks up…..hello my sensual chocolate; what’s going on? Me: Hey! I’m really upset right now. She replied, What’s wrong? I started to explaining in grave detail about this bizarre date I had last night. I told her how after 2 weeks of chatting online we finally met. This was unusual for her to hear given the current state the dating world is in and the past attempts to date.

“As a millennial; dating sucks”. – FYI

As she continued to listen closely to the details her first reaction was “Oh No He Didn’t“, with a big hysterical laugh. Which made me remind her that the situation was still a little sensitive at the time because we were still going back and forth via text. Almost forty minutes went on through the battle of the texts. I continued to fill her in on why I felt so passionate about being upset very loudly through the phone. But then out of no where I heard her get silent. I stopped to see if we got disconnected and I called her name. She responded, “I’m here; sorry my head still hurts”. I replied, “Are you ok tho”? She followed with this unexpected answer.

I’m ok. I just had 3 seizures back to back an hour ago but I’m glad you called“.

I shouted her name with helplessness and anger. I expressed why didn’t she mention this before. She didn’t need to listen to me complain about another guy that’s afraid to date me. In that moment I stopped to encourage her to goto the hospital; given that her family literally ignored her cry for help as she had an unexpected episode earlier that day. It broke me down to my soul to hear this. I cried so hard because I couldn’t be there for her now that I am 2,300 miles away. The tears down my face fell even harder as she mention she was equipped to handling herself during these moments in life.

I’ve known her and this condition for about ten plus years now but this episode seem worst than ever before. But what really shook me to the core was that while her mind was clouded with haze; she still listen to minor issue for over an hour like her normal goofy self. After listening how her events happen I scarcely cry out that she get help.

PLEASE GET YOURSELF TO THE HOSPITAL BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT ILL DO IF I LOSE YOU“. – My Crying Plee

The health state of my best friend was about to damn near send me over the edge. We soon got off the phone line and she got herself to bed since there was no one around to transport her. I can’t believe it’s been about eight months since that tragic day. She is still healing but has not lost her angelic crazy ways about herself.

“This woman must be SUPERHUMAN = SUPERWOMAN”. – I truly believe it to be so.

I wanted to put this story out in the universe because I’m going through a transition in my life and I wanted to acknowledge her and this new corner stone of my foundation. And how this flashback has taught me that I’ve become more of a active listener with my four ears. The biggest take away is:

“if my friend can show me support during a personal crisis than I can display the same at any given time”. – Your Daily Reminder

Old friend, you’re beautifully brave. Thank you for waking me up. I hope this story I just shared can do the same for others.

I whole heartedly love you C!

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    – Wesley

Road Trip To Portland

This is my third road trip since moving to Seattle, WA almost a year ago. I feel so liberated and free from my normal routine I’ve been chained to for the past five months. Currently I’m on a two day vacation from the city. I feel focus, excited, and refreshed. I got to pick up where I left on the weekend. I’m making great progress with my PodcastYoung, Wild, and Neglected. I’m encouraging myself to speak up even when I don’t want too. Thus far, I have 4 episodes edited to be release soon. But it all will come when I hit the right number of pre-recorded episodes.

IT’S ALL APART OF THE MASTER PLAN.

Back to the trip. I took 24 hours to visit Portland for an artist I will continue to support till I’m broke. Which will be never. The artist goes by the name of Betty Who and tonight marks the fifth time I’m experiencing her unique art. What’s different about this show is that she’s back to being a INDEPENDENT ARTIST again. Which is how I first discovered her four years. I find it very inspiring given that I’m trying to jump start all of this with my own and unique storyline; independently. Hopefully, one day I could get an interview with Betty and we could chat about life. I‘m favorite thing that intrigues me about Betty is her view of life while being in LOVE and getting over an ex LOVE. Which all shows heavily in her song writing. If you didn’t know about Betty Who before; I’ve put you on to something good. #iPromise

Aside from Betty Who killing it at the Wonder Ballroom. My Portland experience was much different than before; in a positive way. A lot more people were very welcoming this time around and I met some pretty cool people there too. Which is very hard to do now a days. Overall, this trip was exactly what I needed. A neutral escape from a routine that I might not dread much longer after this mini vacation.

After almost 5 hours total on the road. I had a lot of time to think about what I need to do moving forward and how I’m going to execute the MASTER PLAN. I feel confident that I’m a on good path right now; however, I hate that my inner self is pushing me to go harder than I already am. Kind of stresses me out. Have to love being me some days. I wonder if Steve Jobs or Oprah did this to themselves in order to find success. If so, man my future looks really bright.

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    – Wesley

Standing In My Own Way

I genuinely don’t know where this feeling of wanting to shut down and just give up has come from. I don’t understand why I feel I am chained to this feeling. This feeling is very heavy that I can feel living throughout my entire body. I think this demon entity called “depression” has dug deep into my heartstrings on this Sunday morning while the snowflakes fall from the Seattle sky.

As promised, I got up pretty early again during my three day weekend. I showered, ate a healthy breakfast, and drove myself to my favorite coffee shop to be productive. I’m feeling very motivated to start on my podcast “Young, Wild, & Neglected” that’s been a long time coming. But a large part of myself is stopping me from putting it all together. I’m finding every distraction possible to say “I’ll start recording in a few hours”. Which means, in reality, it’ll be the last minute of the day and I didn’t accomplish the second step of this process. Which makes me feel like a failure to some degree.

For weeks I’ve been talking a good game to myself about finally getting it all together. Wanting to move forward with what I know I’ve been meaning to do in this lifetime. But I can’t seem to shake off these powerful feelings. I’m doing my best to follow the direction of my intuition towards my destiny and the new fulfilling life that’s waiting for me. But I feel a strong blockage of negativity clouding my mind on most days. Maybe it’s just me because the truth is; I’m SCARED AS FUCK. Nervously scared to continue on this boulevard of broken dreams with a story I’ve been dying to share with this generation.

There’s just no other way to put it. I feel lost but gratefully I can still see the north star in hindsight. I’m hopeful without a doubt and I know there’s no other cure then to just move ahead alone. The power of “intuition” that’s harvest in my soul won’t let me completely down. I just have to be more patient and confident in what I can create and build for myself. This new beginning undoubtedly will be filled with uncomfortable challenges and setbacks. However, it’s up to me to find strength and carry on to the finish line. Even if I don’t have the things that make me truly happy right now. This is how things are in the moment but it won’t last forever.

I feel so much better now that I have that off my chest and out in the open. Here’s to better days in 2018. I need to get out of my own way for the thousand time and JUST…DO…IT.

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    – Wesley